Tuesday, May 11, 2010


I sat half asleep with my breakfast and coffee watching our local morning show. The hostess interviews the proprietor of a "catch your cheating partner" service.

After pleasantries and background, she asks an incisive question, "What got you into this line of work? Are you just jilted and bitter?" She's got my attention. I don't see a lot of reporters putting pressure on their subjects. He says that as a former police officer he possesses the skill set. He adds that the chase is thrilling to him.

Her next statement also gets my attention but for a very different reason. "This sort of thing ruins lives." He glosses over the question with some hand waving about how STDs can have a negative impact on an unwitting spouse.

Still, did she really just assert that revealing people's shortcomings ruins lives!? I'm pretty sure it's the character flaws that ruin lives and not the act of shedding light on them.

If someone calls the owner of a "catch your partner cheating" operation, the damage is already done. Whether the partner is cheating or not, the fact that the caller doesn't trust their partner enough to confront them directly and/or they seek to humiliate them publicly is the kiss of death for the relationship. If the partner is cheating (and I'd like to make clear that cheating is an additional relationship carried out in secret despite assurances of monogamy and doesn't apply to an 'open' relationship) the relationship won't survive.

In other words, don't shoot the messenger.


  1. The cheater makes a poor choice, but the significant other who embraces the "innocent victim" badge and forever feels relieved of any responsibility for the state of the relationship has just as many "character flaws."

  2. I agree. It's easier to play victim than it is to introspect. I think that the bottom line is that if you suspect your partner is willfully deceiving you, you shouldn't be with them. If you feel the need to deceive your partner to continue the relationship, you shouldn't be with them.