A man offered me a pamphlet as I disembarked my train this morning. The glossy paper folded out into a colorful display of angels and devils accompanying the image a wizened man imploring that I attend a particular church in order to save my soul.
I handed the pamphlet back to the man and told him, "I understand what you're trying to do and I've read your pamphlet. I'm not interested."
"We're trying to save your soul. Don't you want that?" He looks puzzled. "Have you heard the word of Jesus Christ our Savior?" he continues. I nod and note that I have read the entire bible.
"How could you turn your back on His word?" he implores. I ask him how he knows the bible is the word of god but the koran isn't.
"Muhammed was a child molester" he fires back with renewed fervor. I remind him that Abraham was a genocidal maniac [according to Leviticus 18].
"That's offensive," he whines. I suppress my urge to laugh. I'm sure I'll see him tomorrow handing out his pamphlets.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Don't Forget
All wrapped up in tissue paper,
A chocolate confection begins our caper.
I don't want to see that thing you made.
I don't care if it's fudge or lemonade.
I hope you'll do us all a favor
Please don't save these things for later.
They're not as nice as you might think
Even after soaking in the drink.
Please treat your creations as you ought to.
With a dose of rushing water.
If you drop something on the seat,
I hope you'll wipe it nice and neat.
A chocolate confection begins our caper.
I don't want to see that thing you made.
I don't care if it's fudge or lemonade.
I hope you'll do us all a favor
Please don't save these things for later.
They're not as nice as you might think
Even after soaking in the drink.
Please treat your creations as you ought to.
With a dose of rushing water.
If you drop something on the seat,
I hope you'll wipe it nice and neat.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
FormSpring: In Memoriam
Are you single?
Yes. Sort of. Not really. What was the question again?
How good in bed are you? And how tall?
I'll raise your standards. 5'8" or so.
Are you more naughty or nice?
I'm actually really nice. I can be moody but I'm a big softy. In the bedroom, however, I'm naughty.
What's the most memorable pickup line someone has tried on you and what was the outcome?
"Pronoun verb preposition verb pronoun adjective noun adjective." I laughed and decided he was smart enough and had a good enough sense of humor for me not to throw my drink on him and walk away.
Do you put out on the first date?
Occasionally.
How does this sweater look on me?
Awesome.
When will you show your face on twitter?
Why would I go and ruin a good thing?
Cats, dogs, birds, or boys? Favorite pets?
Each creature has it's own personality and set of requirements. I'm in favor of critters that are both affectionate and self-sufficient. I'm also a fan of big fuzzy butts and animals that are dumber than I am.
What's your favorite sexual position?
You're really asking me to pick just one?
What do you plan to be when you finish all your schoolin'?
Like *I* know. Sheesh...
How big is your rack?
C cups... they're lovely. You will never see them.
Do you really masturbate that much?
I have the sex drive of a teenage boy. Draw your own conclusions.
Would you sleep with Derek? He adores you.
I'm not available.
You are very open and overt on Twitter. Why? My theory is that you're chasing attention in order to promote your writing (on your blog, which I really enjoy). Except I just noticed you've taken your blog link off your Twitter page. So never mind.
My twitter persona is a real part of my personality. My blog is another. I'm not one dimensional. If you want to know me better that's my blog's telos. I love when people read my blog and then discuss it with me. It's a way for me to grow. I'm not sure what you mean by "promote" but I'm not in it for anything but personal development and healthy venting.
What does "I am not available" mean? You said you're single.
The reasons why are personal and I won't discuss them here.
"I'll raise your standards" What does that mean?
It means after me you'll expect every girl you sleep with to punch you in the face if you cum before she does.
What is your heart's desire?
I'll answer that question if you can be more specific.
What makes you different? Just kidding! Just kidding!! Real question: Will you make me cupcakes for my birthday? :D
Yes. When, where, vanilla or chocolate?
Are you a frigid bitch?
Do you have frostbite on your dick?
What aspect of Firefly appeals the most to you?
Whedon is really creative and writes great stories and populates them with relatable characters. I find the series very relatable. I can identify with each character at some point in the series. I also dig action and adventure.
Do you do anal?
No one has ever asked. You'll have to take a look at my strap on so we can be sure it isn't too big for your poop chute. I wouldn't want t hurt your butthole.
Is your dildo your boyfriend?
That's not a bad idea.
What do I have to do to get you to follow me ;-)?
It varies on a case by case basis.
Whats your favorite style of music?
I prefer musak.
How many times have you fucked @aurora00?
Aurora00 and I don't "fuck". We make love.
Will you follow me if I promise to go down on you every day? And morning? And night?
That's a tempting offer. Did you submit an application? You know I don't have a face, right?
Do you like white boys?
As long as they're not polkadotty... freckles and moles are acceptable.
Mail me a pair of your used underwear?
Sure, I don't wear them anymore, my sparring parter stretches them out and leaves skidmarks in them.
How many times have you and Derek slept together?
Should I include anal in my tally?
Yes.
I guess we never actually did any sleeping.
How do you keep your great sense of humor?
I'm flattered that you think it's great. I'm pretty sure it's a defense mechanism. It'll go away if I keep using the ointment.
Do the creepy sexual Formspring questions, and likely @s and DMs, ever get you down?
Not yet. At some point I'm sure one will bug me but until then I like the attention. Twitter is definitely a unique subset of the population which so far has brought me great pleasure.
When's the last time you had a really good sandwich?
Last night I made myself a grilled mozzarella with tomato on some flax, quinoa, rice, oat bread that I made in the bread machine my brother got me for Christmas BUT the last really good sandwich I had was before I found out I had celiac disease. It was a flying fish sandwich that I had in March 2004 in Barbados at a restaurant called the Treehouse.
Have you ever been a part of, or are you open to being part of, a threesome or more?
The only reason the flying fish sandwich in Barbados was better than the erm... other sandwich is because someone always gets left out.
What do you want for Christmas this year?
I'm an atheist and don't celebrate Christmas.
So if I were to give you a gift over the holidays you would refuse it?
I give my friends gifts all the time for all sorts of reasons. I wouldn't insult a friend for thinking of me. In fact, I might kiss you on the mouth. I have a rare Peruvian lip fungus. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
IF you are an atheist explain the fact that Jesus could walk on water... Do you think there was just a rock just beneath the water that he was stepping on. Cause i did that the other day and everyone was like holy fuck you must be the mesiah and I was like no no guys there's a rock I'm walking on.
Jesus' water walk is a fact? The day someone demonstrates to me that the bible is a reliable historical reference I'll paint my asscheeks blue, stick a daffodil between them and call it "Josephus resurgent". Wait... is "rock" really a euphemism for "third leg"?
Are you really a pedo, cuz u never show yer face?
I dislike children. They're better at getting attention than I am. Also, they never remember the safe word.
Given rock as a euphamism for third leg, and third leg meaning cock, do you like to suck on rocks?
Why would I suck on rocks when I can just give a dude a blowjob?
Two Parter: Which cities/countries you've been to outside of the US? Name 5 cities/countries where you would like to live. (<-Aware that's a statement, not a question. Don't be a dick.)
I can't believe you'd assert that I'd be a dick to anyone... ..... OK, joke's done. I'll give my top 5 places outside the USA: Dublin, Ireland; Kowloon, China; Cairns, Australia; Antigua, Guatemala; Murano, Italy; Rougemont, Switzerland. For cities I've never lived in: I'd love to spend a stint in Portland; Chicago; Vancouver; London; Dublin.
I've had two different girls pass out mid-orgasm. I've always wondered if it was an elaborate fake to boost my already colossal ego. Know anything about whether pass-out Os are a thing?
Quit bragging.
lies. lies. lies.
Huh?
Are you a Conservative?
I assume you mean the coloquial sense of political view as I write. I'm fiscally conservative and socially liberal. Really, I could fairly call myself a Barry Goldwater republican. This is a long answer question. I'll leave it at that for the sake of the average attention span.
Can you take a picture of your ass that I can jerk off to? The bruise is a turn off.
There are starving children in Africa who would love to have a bruise like that.
What are your plans for the new year?
I'm chipping in to rent a house with some buddies. We're also renting a keg or 2 and at midnight I'll get to kiss someone special on the mouth with tongue. If you know who you are and want to remember the experience, you should let me know *before* I add rohypnol to your beer.
Are u kissing @aurora00 or @tracyvanhorne or @LisaCanDrive at midnight? Can I have them after ur done kissing?
Yes, yes, yes. No, definitely not. I have plans for those three incapacitated girls.
Who is your favorite author? Which work?
For literature, it's Shakespeare. Hands down. He's a god, totally ahead of his time, really got human nature, etc. Hamlet. It might not even be fair to compare him to the rest of the writing world. For non-fiction it's a tough call between Einstein's Relativity and Darwin's Origin of Species. Although both read like word problems, each was perfectly suited to teach us how science integrates into society. Both were tipping points for scientific revolutions are still indispensable.
Would you cheat on your boyfriend with @itsderekhuff ?
Ew.
Does every one in Miami look like they do on CSI Miami? LOL
Miamian hookers don't have nearly the fashion sense that their CSI Miami counterparts do. Otherwise... yes. Totally.
What do you look for in a boyfriend?
All of the requisite organs for viability (spleen, second kidney/testicle, and appendix optional), a complete skeleton, including a mandible and a good sense of humor.
Are you a celebrity enjoying anonmnity(sic) online?
What gave me away? Was it the accent? Or was it the fact that there are no famous scientists in the United States of America except for Jim Watson or Craig Venter... who [sadly] are hardly celebrities.
I fucked your boyfriend.
Yeah, me too. Great, isn't he?
Now that Derek is dead will you post your boobs?
Shit. Did I miss the funeral? I was going to flash whomever delivers the eulogy.
You know a lot of big words for a girl. What's up with that? It kind of freaks me out.
I'm just trying to compensate for my face.
There you go with the big words again. Anyways, is it true you're in love with El Beard?
El Beard did not return my affections. I'm now deeply in love with the Rapist 'Stache and his extended-cab truck.
CAN I SUCK ON YOUR TOES!!!??!!?
Sure, first let me get my foot out of @itsDerekHuff 's ass.
you must love when a guy pulls his cock out of your pussy then tells you to swallow ,you just seem to me like you love to swallow cum (sic)
Isn't the internet great!
ur boy friend couldn't get it up
I would recommend building your vocabulary.
Which do you prefer, puppies or kittens?
ohai i <3 ALL baby animalz! kthxbai (Thank you for your submission)
do you like to swallow cum or not
I think you're looking for Lil' Kim's formspring. This is not Lil' Kim's formspring page.
Have you ever kicked a guy in the junk so hard that he cried?
Actually, yeah. My pastor's son when we were in 8th grade and my Brazilian jiu jitsu instructor a few months ago. Oh, and my older brother, but that does't count. Black belt nuts feel different than regular nuts, in case you were wondering.
How frequently do you get hit on (in any kind of serious way) by strangers?
I'm not really sure what you mean by "in any kind of serious way" but I'll assume you mean beyond whistling/cat-calls and honking. About once a week a guy will ask for my number. Once every other month or so a guy will give me his number. 2-3 times a week a dude will try to engage me in conversation.
how do you mean france, america and the pope are responsible for haiti?
If you're referring to my tweet yesterday (http://twitter.com/ElleWatts/status/7715486647) the incessant intervention by the US & France and the power vacuum created by puppet governments they installed in Haiti (not to mention the resentment this inspired) empowered the Duvalier presidency turned autocracy. This was legitimized internationally by papal emissaries (who also accepted vast sums of money that the Duvaliers had stolen from their already impoverished citizens).
I don't aspouse that France, the US, or the Vatican can create earthquakes but rather that raping the Haitian countryside resulted in the lack of infrastructure that reigned destruction in the wake of a natural disaster. I know it doesn't help the situation to assign blame but it seems we're unable to learn from history. Afghanistan, Iraq and countless other nations may follow similar paths.
You are an ignornt heffer.
... ... Yes, I am an ignorant heifer at times.
What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Oh gosh I love ice cream. I dig coconut almond fudge chip and rocky road. I miss cookies and cream and chocolate chip cookie dough but can't eat them anymore since I developed a gluten allergy.
When was the last time you peed or pooped in your pants?
The last time I dropped in my drawers was about 25 years ago. I pee myself in crisis situations so that I can regroup more effectively.
If you were a condiment, what condiment would you be?
WASABI!
How dare you have an opinion on anything! You need to shut up and just be pretty!
Seriously though, when can we date?
I dare! I'm not available at the moment but if that changes, Twitter will be among the first to know... after me and what's-his-name.
Is there anyone you've met on Twitter that you honestly care for? Anyone that means a lot to you, even though you've never met other than 140 characters (or an email or something) at a time?
There are a handfull of rocking souls that I dig especially despite never having met them. There a lot more that routinely enrich my days. We only ever really know people's minds. The outside of people has a way of interfering sometimes. The anonymnity of the net can keep that from happening if we let it. Related: can you dishonestly care for someone?
Sure, you can be totally fake in how you act towards someone. Look at a lot of these internet assholes; @benmarvin @itsderekhuff @alcoholicman.
It is all fake. Don't you believe in the fakeness of Twitter/Social media?
I guess it's a semantic issue. For me the word "care" is redundant when placed with words like "honest". Logically it might follow that "dishonestly caring for someone" would be an internally inconsistent statement... like "living dead". Of course that never stopped Hollywood.
There's definitely a lot of pretending that goes on in the interweb. That's fine. It often says more about a person than their 'real' personality ever could.
Does your significant other read your formspring, blog, or follow your tweets?
I dunno. I'd have to ask.
So no defense of said people. That makes a valid point.
It doesn't need defending. People just want to be loved (of this I am sure). We do weird things to get love (and sometimes mistaking attention for love). I think people pretend to be something else because don't think who they really are is 'loveable'. Sometimes they're right, but usually they're not.
I love how people are hating on you with their questions. Do you think that there will one day be a unit of measurement, later necessitating a tool to indicate douchebagginess levels in folks submitting to your formspring/DM/mighty power? Subquestion: will you use said tool's powers for good or evil?
The questions people ask don't reflect on me, but how I respond does... As for a douchiess measure? I really hope so. It would be great if it was like the Pinnochio nose. Peer pressure works for most people.
I like to think I use all of my powers for good but I'm not perfect and can/do make mistakes. Some of them hurt people.
got room for two?
Two what? Where?
What opinion do you hold of superhero comics characters? Are they merely escapist,social commentary or an original American style mythology?
I think that almost all science fiction is satire. The analogy to mythology is a valid one because the mythologies of each culture seek to ironize their societies by comparrison. Plus, I really dig Dragon*Con because I get to dress up as Motoko Kusanagi.
why do you hate fat people?
I don't hate fat people. I hate feeling uncomfortable telling my overweight friends that I'm worried about them.
They're often not as healthy and as happy as they could be if they addressed the physical and/or emotional reasons behind their weight problems. I hate seeing them suffer at their own self defeating behavior.
Why won't you go out on a date with me?
I don't want to.
Why do my tweets make you wet, by the way?
It isn't your tweets, per se. You spit when you talk. It's sort of gross, brah.
I love you. - Derek
I lurve you too, brah. Just work on the spitting thing. Did you know that my FormSpring timestamps submissions? Yeah. It does.
is this some sort of game?
Huh?
Is this some kind of bust?
Somebody already asked about my rack. See above.
What do you want for Valentine's Day? Can I give you my cock?
I'd rather you give me some expensive jewelry and some privacy so I can flush it down the toilet. By "it", I mean "your cock".
Which is your favorite color and why?
My favorite color is green. I wish I knew why. I'm particularly fond of peacock green/blue, kelly green and emerald green.
were you born with celiac disease? wats it like?
No. I developed it about four years ago. It's inconvenient but manageable.
Be my mistress.
No.
Why not?
Ew.
If you are trying to be Kusanagi, does that mean you can turn invisible once you go topless?
It's my face that people can't see, silly.
Does it frighten you that a few of your questioners are almost certainly violent rapists? Except that godlike El Beard, of course.
I'm surprised that so few appreciate the majesty of El Beard. Also, Ralph Monsterface Moustachio, otherwise known as Mister Moustachio is another fantastic facial follicular favorite. As for violent rapists... yes, this has been cause for concern. It keeps me motivated to secure my black belt in karate.
You've just unwittingly joined a clut. How deep does your devotion run and what recent trauma in your life inspired this drastic course of action?
What the hell is a "clut"?
Cult. Yep.
I would prefer that FormSpring submissions be phrased as questions even though I have responded to some statements. Complete sentences are appreciated.
Curb your tongue, wench. Just answer the question.
What did I just say? (rhetorical question and example of preferred FormSpring submission)
What's your shoe size? Stilettos, Wedges or Platforms?
I wear size 8.5 or 9 depending on the shoe. I prefer a sculpted heel, not necessarily stiletto. I have a special fondness for red patent leather.
FormSpring has no authority here. I'm running shit now.
Shit indeed.
Can you give an example of a satire in sci-fi?
There are so many good ones but I'll use Independence Day: it takes the threat of extermination by extra-terrestrials (plausibly a metaphor for God and armageddon... ironic in itself) for humans to stop fighting and cooperate using language (computer programming and Morse code) as our most powerful tool. Ironically, I visit holocaust on E. coli every time I do an experiment at the lab. Maybe someday they'll figure out a way to kill me... oh wait, they already can.
Can you give an example of a satire in sci-fi? Solaris, 1961.
Umm... I don't understand the question.
why dont u stop being a smarty pants and act like a regular girl?
You would do well to disabuse yourself of the tired old notion that on average, men are smarter than women.
Do smarty-pants come in multiple fabrics and colors?
So far as I know they come in a wide range of pastel colors but are constructed exclusively from those little disc shaped candies and their wrappers which doesn't seem smart to me at all.
why do u say women are smarter then men?
I never said that women are smarter than men.
Why you hating on hookers?
My favorite neighborhood hooker, Hennesey (probably not her real name) is really cool. She's sharper than a lot of people I've met in Miami. She and I have a running joke about how it's easy to make a woman look trashy and men are willing to pay lots of money for it. She really embodies how men allow themselves to be exploited so easily by women.
What's the one thing in life that could make you truly happy?
I can't say for sure but it's somewhere between self-actualization, hedonism and personal enrichment.
Yes. Sort of. Not really. What was the question again?
How good in bed are you? And how tall?
I'll raise your standards. 5'8" or so.
Are you more naughty or nice?
I'm actually really nice. I can be moody but I'm a big softy. In the bedroom, however, I'm naughty.
What's the most memorable pickup line someone has tried on you and what was the outcome?
"Pronoun verb preposition verb pronoun adjective noun adjective." I laughed and decided he was smart enough and had a good enough sense of humor for me not to throw my drink on him and walk away.
Do you put out on the first date?
Occasionally.
How does this sweater look on me?
Awesome.
When will you show your face on twitter?
Why would I go and ruin a good thing?
Cats, dogs, birds, or boys? Favorite pets?
Each creature has it's own personality and set of requirements. I'm in favor of critters that are both affectionate and self-sufficient. I'm also a fan of big fuzzy butts and animals that are dumber than I am.
What's your favorite sexual position?
You're really asking me to pick just one?
What do you plan to be when you finish all your schoolin'?
Like *I* know. Sheesh...
How big is your rack?
C cups... they're lovely. You will never see them.
Do you really masturbate that much?
I have the sex drive of a teenage boy. Draw your own conclusions.
Would you sleep with Derek? He adores you.
I'm not available.
You are very open and overt on Twitter. Why? My theory is that you're chasing attention in order to promote your writing (on your blog, which I really enjoy). Except I just noticed you've taken your blog link off your Twitter page. So never mind.
My twitter persona is a real part of my personality. My blog is another. I'm not one dimensional. If you want to know me better that's my blog's telos. I love when people read my blog and then discuss it with me. It's a way for me to grow. I'm not sure what you mean by "promote" but I'm not in it for anything but personal development and healthy venting.
What does "I am not available" mean? You said you're single.
The reasons why are personal and I won't discuss them here.
"I'll raise your standards" What does that mean?
It means after me you'll expect every girl you sleep with to punch you in the face if you cum before she does.
What is your heart's desire?
I'll answer that question if you can be more specific.
What makes you different? Just kidding! Just kidding!! Real question: Will you make me cupcakes for my birthday? :D
Yes. When, where, vanilla or chocolate?
Are you a frigid bitch?
Do you have frostbite on your dick?
What aspect of Firefly appeals the most to you?
Whedon is really creative and writes great stories and populates them with relatable characters. I find the series very relatable. I can identify with each character at some point in the series. I also dig action and adventure.
Do you do anal?
No one has ever asked. You'll have to take a look at my strap on so we can be sure it isn't too big for your poop chute. I wouldn't want t hurt your butthole.
Is your dildo your boyfriend?
That's not a bad idea.
What do I have to do to get you to follow me ;-)?
It varies on a case by case basis.
Whats your favorite style of music?
I prefer musak.
How many times have you fucked @aurora00?
Aurora00 and I don't "fuck". We make love.
Will you follow me if I promise to go down on you every day? And morning? And night?
That's a tempting offer. Did you submit an application? You know I don't have a face, right?
Do you like white boys?
As long as they're not polkadotty... freckles and moles are acceptable.
Mail me a pair of your used underwear?
Sure, I don't wear them anymore, my sparring parter stretches them out and leaves skidmarks in them.
How many times have you and Derek slept together?
Should I include anal in my tally?
Yes.
I guess we never actually did any sleeping.
How do you keep your great sense of humor?
I'm flattered that you think it's great. I'm pretty sure it's a defense mechanism. It'll go away if I keep using the ointment.
Do the creepy sexual Formspring questions, and likely @s and DMs, ever get you down?
Not yet. At some point I'm sure one will bug me but until then I like the attention. Twitter is definitely a unique subset of the population which so far has brought me great pleasure.
When's the last time you had a really good sandwich?
Last night I made myself a grilled mozzarella with tomato on some flax, quinoa, rice, oat bread that I made in the bread machine my brother got me for Christmas BUT the last really good sandwich I had was before I found out I had celiac disease. It was a flying fish sandwich that I had in March 2004 in Barbados at a restaurant called the Treehouse.
Have you ever been a part of, or are you open to being part of, a threesome or more?
The only reason the flying fish sandwich in Barbados was better than the erm... other sandwich is because someone always gets left out.
What do you want for Christmas this year?
I'm an atheist and don't celebrate Christmas.
So if I were to give you a gift over the holidays you would refuse it?
I give my friends gifts all the time for all sorts of reasons. I wouldn't insult a friend for thinking of me. In fact, I might kiss you on the mouth. I have a rare Peruvian lip fungus. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
IF you are an atheist explain the fact that Jesus could walk on water... Do you think there was just a rock just beneath the water that he was stepping on. Cause i did that the other day and everyone was like holy fuck you must be the mesiah and I was like no no guys there's a rock I'm walking on.
Jesus' water walk is a fact? The day someone demonstrates to me that the bible is a reliable historical reference I'll paint my asscheeks blue, stick a daffodil between them and call it "Josephus resurgent". Wait... is "rock" really a euphemism for "third leg"?
Are you really a pedo, cuz u never show yer face?
I dislike children. They're better at getting attention than I am. Also, they never remember the safe word.
Given rock as a euphamism for third leg, and third leg meaning cock, do you like to suck on rocks?
Why would I suck on rocks when I can just give a dude a blowjob?
Two Parter: Which cities/countries you've been to outside of the US? Name 5 cities/countries where you would like to live. (<-Aware that's a statement, not a question. Don't be a dick.)
I can't believe you'd assert that I'd be a dick to anyone... ..... OK, joke's done. I'll give my top 5 places outside the USA: Dublin, Ireland; Kowloon, China; Cairns, Australia; Antigua, Guatemala; Murano, Italy; Rougemont, Switzerland. For cities I've never lived in: I'd love to spend a stint in Portland; Chicago; Vancouver; London; Dublin.
I've had two different girls pass out mid-orgasm. I've always wondered if it was an elaborate fake to boost my already colossal ego. Know anything about whether pass-out Os are a thing?
Quit bragging.
lies. lies. lies.
Huh?
Are you a Conservative?
I assume you mean the coloquial sense of political view as I write. I'm fiscally conservative and socially liberal. Really, I could fairly call myself a Barry Goldwater republican. This is a long answer question. I'll leave it at that for the sake of the average attention span.
Can you take a picture of your ass that I can jerk off to? The bruise is a turn off.
There are starving children in Africa who would love to have a bruise like that.
What are your plans for the new year?
I'm chipping in to rent a house with some buddies. We're also renting a keg or 2 and at midnight I'll get to kiss someone special on the mouth with tongue. If you know who you are and want to remember the experience, you should let me know *before* I add rohypnol to your beer.
Are u kissing @aurora00 or @tracyvanhorne or @LisaCanDrive at midnight? Can I have them after ur done kissing?
Yes, yes, yes. No, definitely not. I have plans for those three incapacitated girls.
Who is your favorite author? Which work?
For literature, it's Shakespeare. Hands down. He's a god, totally ahead of his time, really got human nature, etc. Hamlet. It might not even be fair to compare him to the rest of the writing world. For non-fiction it's a tough call between Einstein's Relativity and Darwin's Origin of Species. Although both read like word problems, each was perfectly suited to teach us how science integrates into society. Both were tipping points for scientific revolutions are still indispensable.
Would you cheat on your boyfriend with @itsderekhuff ?
Ew.
Does every one in Miami look like they do on CSI Miami? LOL
Miamian hookers don't have nearly the fashion sense that their CSI Miami counterparts do. Otherwise... yes. Totally.
What do you look for in a boyfriend?
All of the requisite organs for viability (spleen, second kidney/testicle, and appendix optional), a complete skeleton, including a mandible and a good sense of humor.
Are you a celebrity enjoying anonmnity(sic) online?
What gave me away? Was it the accent? Or was it the fact that there are no famous scientists in the United States of America except for Jim Watson or Craig Venter... who [sadly] are hardly celebrities.
I fucked your boyfriend.
Yeah, me too. Great, isn't he?
Now that Derek is dead will you post your boobs?
Shit. Did I miss the funeral? I was going to flash whomever delivers the eulogy.
You know a lot of big words for a girl. What's up with that? It kind of freaks me out.
I'm just trying to compensate for my face.
There you go with the big words again. Anyways, is it true you're in love with El Beard?
El Beard did not return my affections. I'm now deeply in love with the Rapist 'Stache and his extended-cab truck.
CAN I SUCK ON YOUR TOES!!!??!!?
Sure, first let me get my foot out of @itsDerekHuff 's ass.
you must love when a guy pulls his cock out of your pussy then tells you to swallow ,you just seem to me like you love to swallow cum (sic)
Isn't the internet great!
ur boy friend couldn't get it up
I would recommend building your vocabulary.
Which do you prefer, puppies or kittens?
ohai i <3 ALL baby animalz! kthxbai (Thank you for your submission)
do you like to swallow cum or not
I think you're looking for Lil' Kim's formspring. This is not Lil' Kim's formspring page.
Have you ever kicked a guy in the junk so hard that he cried?
Actually, yeah. My pastor's son when we were in 8th grade and my Brazilian jiu jitsu instructor a few months ago. Oh, and my older brother, but that does't count. Black belt nuts feel different than regular nuts, in case you were wondering.
How frequently do you get hit on (in any kind of serious way) by strangers?
I'm not really sure what you mean by "in any kind of serious way" but I'll assume you mean beyond whistling/cat-calls and honking. About once a week a guy will ask for my number. Once every other month or so a guy will give me his number. 2-3 times a week a dude will try to engage me in conversation.
how do you mean france, america and the pope are responsible for haiti?
If you're referring to my tweet yesterday (http://twitter.com/ElleWatts/status/7715486647) the incessant intervention by the US & France and the power vacuum created by puppet governments they installed in Haiti (not to mention the resentment this inspired) empowered the Duvalier presidency turned autocracy. This was legitimized internationally by papal emissaries (who also accepted vast sums of money that the Duvaliers had stolen from their already impoverished citizens).
I don't aspouse that France, the US, or the Vatican can create earthquakes but rather that raping the Haitian countryside resulted in the lack of infrastructure that reigned destruction in the wake of a natural disaster. I know it doesn't help the situation to assign blame but it seems we're unable to learn from history. Afghanistan, Iraq and countless other nations may follow similar paths.
You are an ignornt heffer.
... ... Yes, I am an ignorant heifer at times.
What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Oh gosh I love ice cream. I dig coconut almond fudge chip and rocky road. I miss cookies and cream and chocolate chip cookie dough but can't eat them anymore since I developed a gluten allergy.
When was the last time you peed or pooped in your pants?
The last time I dropped in my drawers was about 25 years ago. I pee myself in crisis situations so that I can regroup more effectively.
If you were a condiment, what condiment would you be?
WASABI!
How dare you have an opinion on anything! You need to shut up and just be pretty!
Seriously though, when can we date?
I dare! I'm not available at the moment but if that changes, Twitter will be among the first to know... after me and what's-his-name.
Is there anyone you've met on Twitter that you honestly care for? Anyone that means a lot to you, even though you've never met other than 140 characters (or an email or something) at a time?
There are a handfull of rocking souls that I dig especially despite never having met them. There a lot more that routinely enrich my days. We only ever really know people's minds. The outside of people has a way of interfering sometimes. The anonymnity of the net can keep that from happening if we let it. Related: can you dishonestly care for someone?
Sure, you can be totally fake in how you act towards someone. Look at a lot of these internet assholes; @benmarvin @itsderekhuff @alcoholicman.
It is all fake. Don't you believe in the fakeness of Twitter/Social media?
I guess it's a semantic issue. For me the word "care" is redundant when placed with words like "honest". Logically it might follow that "dishonestly caring for someone" would be an internally inconsistent statement... like "living dead". Of course that never stopped Hollywood.
There's definitely a lot of pretending that goes on in the interweb. That's fine. It often says more about a person than their 'real' personality ever could.
Does your significant other read your formspring, blog, or follow your tweets?
I dunno. I'd have to ask.
So no defense of said people. That makes a valid point.
It doesn't need defending. People just want to be loved (of this I am sure). We do weird things to get love (and sometimes mistaking attention for love). I think people pretend to be something else because don't think who they really are is 'loveable'. Sometimes they're right, but usually they're not.
I love how people are hating on you with their questions. Do you think that there will one day be a unit of measurement, later necessitating a tool to indicate douchebagginess levels in folks submitting to your formspring/DM/mighty power? Subquestion: will you use said tool's powers for good or evil?
The questions people ask don't reflect on me, but how I respond does... As for a douchiess measure? I really hope so. It would be great if it was like the Pinnochio nose. Peer pressure works for most people.
I like to think I use all of my powers for good but I'm not perfect and can/do make mistakes. Some of them hurt people.
got room for two?
Two what? Where?
What opinion do you hold of superhero comics characters? Are they merely escapist,social commentary or an original American style mythology?
I think that almost all science fiction is satire. The analogy to mythology is a valid one because the mythologies of each culture seek to ironize their societies by comparrison. Plus, I really dig Dragon*Con because I get to dress up as Motoko Kusanagi.
why do you hate fat people?
I don't hate fat people. I hate feeling uncomfortable telling my overweight friends that I'm worried about them.
They're often not as healthy and as happy as they could be if they addressed the physical and/or emotional reasons behind their weight problems. I hate seeing them suffer at their own self defeating behavior.
Why won't you go out on a date with me?
I don't want to.
Why do my tweets make you wet, by the way?
It isn't your tweets, per se. You spit when you talk. It's sort of gross, brah.
I love you. - Derek
I lurve you too, brah. Just work on the spitting thing. Did you know that my FormSpring timestamps submissions? Yeah. It does.
is this some sort of game?
Huh?
Is this some kind of bust?
Somebody already asked about my rack. See above.
What do you want for Valentine's Day? Can I give you my cock?
I'd rather you give me some expensive jewelry and some privacy so I can flush it down the toilet. By "it", I mean "your cock".
Which is your favorite color and why?
My favorite color is green. I wish I knew why. I'm particularly fond of peacock green/blue, kelly green and emerald green.
were you born with celiac disease? wats it like?
No. I developed it about four years ago. It's inconvenient but manageable.
Be my mistress.
No.
Why not?
Ew.
If you are trying to be Kusanagi, does that mean you can turn invisible once you go topless?
It's my face that people can't see, silly.
Does it frighten you that a few of your questioners are almost certainly violent rapists? Except that godlike El Beard, of course.
I'm surprised that so few appreciate the majesty of El Beard. Also, Ralph Monsterface Moustachio, otherwise known as Mister Moustachio is another fantastic facial follicular favorite. As for violent rapists... yes, this has been cause for concern. It keeps me motivated to secure my black belt in karate.
You've just unwittingly joined a clut. How deep does your devotion run and what recent trauma in your life inspired this drastic course of action?
What the hell is a "clut"?
Cult. Yep.
I would prefer that FormSpring submissions be phrased as questions even though I have responded to some statements. Complete sentences are appreciated.
Curb your tongue, wench. Just answer the question.
What did I just say? (rhetorical question and example of preferred FormSpring submission)
What's your shoe size? Stilettos, Wedges or Platforms?
I wear size 8.5 or 9 depending on the shoe. I prefer a sculpted heel, not necessarily stiletto. I have a special fondness for red patent leather.
FormSpring has no authority here. I'm running shit now.
Shit indeed.
Can you give an example of a satire in sci-fi?
There are so many good ones but I'll use Independence Day: it takes the threat of extermination by extra-terrestrials (plausibly a metaphor for God and armageddon... ironic in itself) for humans to stop fighting and cooperate using language (computer programming and Morse code) as our most powerful tool. Ironically, I visit holocaust on E. coli every time I do an experiment at the lab. Maybe someday they'll figure out a way to kill me... oh wait, they already can.
Can you give an example of a satire in sci-fi? Solaris, 1961.
Umm... I don't understand the question.
why dont u stop being a smarty pants and act like a regular girl?
You would do well to disabuse yourself of the tired old notion that on average, men are smarter than women.
Do smarty-pants come in multiple fabrics and colors?
So far as I know they come in a wide range of pastel colors but are constructed exclusively from those little disc shaped candies and their wrappers which doesn't seem smart to me at all.
why do u say women are smarter then men?
I never said that women are smarter than men.
Why you hating on hookers?
My favorite neighborhood hooker, Hennesey (probably not her real name) is really cool. She's sharper than a lot of people I've met in Miami. She and I have a running joke about how it's easy to make a woman look trashy and men are willing to pay lots of money for it. She really embodies how men allow themselves to be exploited so easily by women.
What's the one thing in life that could make you truly happy?
I can't say for sure but it's somewhere between self-actualization, hedonism and personal enrichment.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Exploitation
A friend read my post about 'stripper shoes' and asked me why I made the leap from heels to stripper. Stilettos represent the height (no pun intended) of femininity. The spiky heel represents a dominance that women have over men resulting purely from their sexuality.
Research has revealed that wearing a high-heeled shoe causes a woman to arch her back, thrusting her ass and breasts outward. Please note that foot-binding has the same effect on posture. Also, foot-binding and heeled shoes cause a woman to walk with a wiggle that accentuates her waist. The waist to hip ratio is unconsciously calculated by the male mind to a measure of fertility and hence her value as a mate in the most primal sense.
Strippers and prostitutes use platform heels and other tools to accentuate and then exploit natural properties of their bodies in order to exploit their customers. I think that sex workers exploit their bodies the same way that an athlete might whether it's Michael Phelps or Tiger Woods. Why prostitution is illegal but mail-order brides are not is a cultural oddity stemming from religious taboos. We all exploit some part of ourselves to survive in this society.
Here I exploited the Abrahamic attitudes toward sexuality in order to satirize cultural mores. I suppose the real joke is that my friends who are strippers and prostitutes are smart enough to carry practical shoes with them so they won't be stuck at a bus stop at 7AM in 6 inch heels.
Research has revealed that wearing a high-heeled shoe causes a woman to arch her back, thrusting her ass and breasts outward. Please note that foot-binding has the same effect on posture. Also, foot-binding and heeled shoes cause a woman to walk with a wiggle that accentuates her waist. The waist to hip ratio is unconsciously calculated by the male mind to a measure of fertility and hence her value as a mate in the most primal sense.
Strippers and prostitutes use platform heels and other tools to accentuate and then exploit natural properties of their bodies in order to exploit their customers. I think that sex workers exploit their bodies the same way that an athlete might whether it's Michael Phelps or Tiger Woods. Why prostitution is illegal but mail-order brides are not is a cultural oddity stemming from religious taboos. We all exploit some part of ourselves to survive in this society.
Here I exploited the Abrahamic attitudes toward sexuality in order to satirize cultural mores. I suppose the real joke is that my friends who are strippers and prostitutes are smart enough to carry practical shoes with them so they won't be stuck at a bus stop at 7AM in 6 inch heels.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Stripper Shoes
Even if you're short, stripper shoes are stripper shoes. I don't care if Louis Vuitton made them himself and they cost you $1 million bucks. If you decide to wear 6" heels I will probably wonder if you're a pro.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Pets
Just before the break of day,
At the crack of dawn
Is when you choose to free your dog
So he'll befoul my lawn.
He runs to greet my stately oak
Which suits him to a tee.
He squats before it's scaly trunk
Where he begins to pee.
I hope it pleases you to know
I'm searching very hard
To find an angry rhino
To fertilize your yard.
At the crack of dawn
Is when you choose to free your dog
So he'll befoul my lawn.
He runs to greet my stately oak
Which suits him to a tee.
He squats before it's scaly trunk
Where he begins to pee.
I hope it pleases you to know
I'm searching very hard
To find an angry rhino
To fertilize your yard.
Amy's perspective
It isn't working out and it has become evident to everyone including her. Still, she can't seem to shake this guy.
I inquire as to how the break-up she had planned for the weekend went. "He freaked out and showed up at my house. I was one step away from calling the cops." Disturbed, I advised her to just part ways and get on with her life. She agreed but defended, "It's just a really shitty situation every time I try to break it off."
I clenched my jaw in frustration. "Of course it's a 'shitty situation'. Did you expect some sort of parade with floats and a marching band?"
She isn't ruining his life; he will get over her someday. If she doesn't break up quickly and honestly, she's cheating both of them. It's going to be ugly, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
I inquire as to how the break-up she had planned for the weekend went. "He freaked out and showed up at my house. I was one step away from calling the cops." Disturbed, I advised her to just part ways and get on with her life. She agreed but defended, "It's just a really shitty situation every time I try to break it off."
I clenched my jaw in frustration. "Of course it's a 'shitty situation'. Did you expect some sort of parade with floats and a marching band?"
She isn't ruining his life; he will get over her someday. If she doesn't break up quickly and honestly, she's cheating both of them. It's going to be ugly, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Brown Paper Bag
Upon entering the house we noted that the party atmosphere was already well developed; drunken college students lined the warm, dimly lit halls. An energetic young man with a paper bag approached the three of us and inquired if we had seen any "dog poo". He whispers the forbidden words in an exaggerated gesture of etiquette. He explained that he wanted to leave the bag on a neighbors doorstep after lighting it on fire. This is a classic scenario that we all appreciated and my friends and I chuckled at the thought.
He lamented that the recent snowfall had obscured all of the available feces and wanted to know if we had passed any fresh deposits on our way to the party. I said "no" and my friend recommended that he look at the house across the street where she had noticed a dog squatting. The boy barely paused to thank us before rocketing out the front door.
We all got beer to drink and began to mingle with other attendees when the young man returned. This time his request was different, "Would you poop in this bag?" We laughed and said no.
Fast forward 6 beers.
"Would you poop in this bag?" I started to say "no" when much to my surprise one of my girlfriends said "give me that!" and snatched the bag from the young man's hand. She grabbed my sleeve and dragged me to the basement bathroom. I stood watch with a sense of awe and admiration for my friend. After about fifteen minutes she emerged from the bathroom, hair and make-up fresh, and a paper bag with a noticeable weight in the bottom.
I'm not sure what happened to that bag but I can assure you she is something else.
He lamented that the recent snowfall had obscured all of the available feces and wanted to know if we had passed any fresh deposits on our way to the party. I said "no" and my friend recommended that he look at the house across the street where she had noticed a dog squatting. The boy barely paused to thank us before rocketing out the front door.
We all got beer to drink and began to mingle with other attendees when the young man returned. This time his request was different, "Would you poop in this bag?" We laughed and said no.
Fast forward 6 beers.
"Would you poop in this bag?" I started to say "no" when much to my surprise one of my girlfriends said "give me that!" and snatched the bag from the young man's hand. She grabbed my sleeve and dragged me to the basement bathroom. I stood watch with a sense of awe and admiration for my friend. After about fifteen minutes she emerged from the bathroom, hair and make-up fresh, and a paper bag with a noticeable weight in the bottom.
I'm not sure what happened to that bag but I can assure you she is something else.
Friday, April 16, 2010
PMS
Men who know better don't tell a woman her foul moods must be inspired by pre-menstrual syndrome or PMS. The reasons aren't as obvious as one might think. I once told my father that if he had abdominal cramps, a headache, couldn't fit into his pants and was bleeding from his pee-hole that he'd be irritable too.
This isn't quite fair and circumvents a real understanding of why attributing disagreements to hormones is upsetting. While physical discomfort can shorten one's patience the fact remains: whether the source of the upset is real or perceived the emotional response is definitely real [or you wouldn't be trying to explain it away]. It's important to a woman that her partner treats her emotions with care and respect. Attributing her emotions to PMS means that you've made a dismissive personal attack instead of addressing the problem.
In a society where men are often socialized not to acknowledge their emotions, it might seem easier to tell your partner why she shouldn't acknowledge them either. You may come to realize that you've actually made things more difficult when she gets upset that you've invalidated her feelings and indeed a part of her. Now you're fighting about that instead of the 'real' issue. Seriously, this could happen:
Chick: Ow, you stepped on my foot.
Dude: I didn't step on it that hard. You're just sensitive because it's 'that time of month.'
Chick: *kicks dude in the nuts*
Dude: HRk!
Chick: I didn't kick you in the nuts that hard. You're just sensitive because you masturbate so much. Besides, now you've hurt both of my feet.
Anyways, happy relationship advice day!
This isn't quite fair and circumvents a real understanding of why attributing disagreements to hormones is upsetting. While physical discomfort can shorten one's patience the fact remains: whether the source of the upset is real or perceived the emotional response is definitely real [or you wouldn't be trying to explain it away]. It's important to a woman that her partner treats her emotions with care and respect. Attributing her emotions to PMS means that you've made a dismissive personal attack instead of addressing the problem.
In a society where men are often socialized not to acknowledge their emotions, it might seem easier to tell your partner why she shouldn't acknowledge them either. You may come to realize that you've actually made things more difficult when she gets upset that you've invalidated her feelings and indeed a part of her. Now you're fighting about that instead of the 'real' issue. Seriously, this could happen:
Chick: Ow, you stepped on my foot.
Dude: I didn't step on it that hard. You're just sensitive because it's 'that time of month.'
Chick: *kicks dude in the nuts*
Dude: HRk!
Chick: I didn't kick you in the nuts that hard. You're just sensitive because you masturbate so much. Besides, now you've hurt both of my feet.
Anyways, happy relationship advice day!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Gluten-free Bread
Little dish didn't stand a chance.
If I'd left it on the kitchen counter
To be devoured by sugar ants.
I left it in the refrigerator,
I didn't want it right now
I was saving it for later.
I came by to retrieve my delight,
But someone had absconded
With my treat in the night!
The joke's on the thief
They'll soon learn
My cooking tastes like queef.
If I'd left it on the kitchen counter
To be devoured by sugar ants.
I left it in the refrigerator,
I didn't want it right now
I was saving it for later.
I came by to retrieve my delight,
But someone had absconded
With my treat in the night!
The joke's on the thief
They'll soon learn
My cooking tastes like queef.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
David's Story
He can't live without her, he can't move on, he's looking for someone new, he can't find anyone, no one wants him. I ask if he's considered taking a break. "Why?" he asks.
I watch the girls he approaches do a prompt polite about-face. I understand why and I fear he'll end up with another woman who'll keep him around for recreational emotional torture meant for a man from her past.
He seems completely willing to embrace deception in order to get something he wants. His obviously fake 'come-on' personality marks him as a cheater and heart breaker searching for his next victim.
His ex dumped him. As if gushing about her to anyone who will listen wasn't bad enough (at least when he does he's being honest), he seems sure that women just don't like him. In advertising his insecurity he's revealing the truth: he hates himself.
Why, indeed.
I watch the girls he approaches do a prompt polite about-face. I understand why and I fear he'll end up with another woman who'll keep him around for recreational emotional torture meant for a man from her past.
He seems completely willing to embrace deception in order to get something he wants. His obviously fake 'come-on' personality marks him as a cheater and heart breaker searching for his next victim.
His ex dumped him. As if gushing about her to anyone who will listen wasn't bad enough (at least when he does he's being honest), he seems sure that women just don't like him. In advertising his insecurity he's revealing the truth: he hates himself.
Why, indeed.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Onions
I read an acquaintance's post about his semi-anonymous blog. He details how someone found his works and revealed a post that would certainly be inflammatory to someone close to him. I don't know the context or what the motivation for this particular act was but it stirred real fear in me in addition to a natural sense of injustice.
I feel for him and resent the apparent bad behavior of his associate. I don't know if I could forgive someone for doing this sort of thing without understanding where they came from; of course if we understood each other, I doubt it could happen as it did to my friend.
I've done these sorts of things myself only to feel shitty about it later. I'd like to take the opportunity to apologize to everyone: the people I love and the people I could stand to be without. I'm sorry for hurting you.
I feel for him and resent the apparent bad behavior of his associate. I don't know if I could forgive someone for doing this sort of thing without understanding where they came from; of course if we understood each other, I doubt it could happen as it did to my friend.
I've done these sorts of things myself only to feel shitty about it later. I'd like to take the opportunity to apologize to everyone: the people I love and the people I could stand to be without. I'm sorry for hurting you.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
The Bicycle Thief
I'll get that guy who took your bike
And if I don't we'll find a new one you like
More than the last one, shiny and new
It'll have retractible wings and be royal blue.
There'll be a built in jacuzzi with a mini bar
You might like it more than some fancy old car.
We'll ride it to the zoo or maybe a museum
And I'll get that guy if I ever see him.
And if I don't we'll find a new one you like
More than the last one, shiny and new
It'll have retractible wings and be royal blue.
There'll be a built in jacuzzi with a mini bar
You might like it more than some fancy old car.
We'll ride it to the zoo or maybe a museum
And I'll get that guy if I ever see him.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Errol's Perspective
My friend sits a across the table at an establishment that we both frequent. He explains to me that he has no problem with homosexuals yet he doesn't like how they "throw their sexuality in [his] face." He shifts uncomfortably in his seat and as his face reddens he adds that "lesbians don't do that, just gay men."
He pauses, I realize he's concerned that I'm judging him for his perspective on unwanted suitors. I take a pause of my own and remind him that straight men make passes at me all the time. I add that overt displays of sexual prowess and interest are a male quality and not a characteristic unique to gay men.
The flush in his face spreads to his chest. His voice bolder now, a sign of embarrassment as he realizes that he may be one of the men who objectifies me, "they shouldn't do that."
He pauses, I realize he's concerned that I'm judging him for his perspective on unwanted suitors. I take a pause of my own and remind him that straight men make passes at me all the time. I add that overt displays of sexual prowess and interest are a male quality and not a characteristic unique to gay men.
The flush in his face spreads to his chest. His voice bolder now, a sign of embarrassment as he realizes that he may be one of the men who objectifies me, "they shouldn't do that."
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