Tuesday, April 27, 2010

FormSpring: In Memoriam

Are you single?

Yes. Sort of. Not really. What was the question again?

How good in bed are you? And how tall?

I'll raise your standards. 5'8" or so.

Are you more naughty or nice?

I'm actually really nice. I can be moody but I'm a big softy. In the bedroom, however, I'm naughty.

What's the most memorable pickup line someone has tried on you and what was the outcome?

"Pronoun verb preposition verb pronoun adjective noun adjective." I laughed and decided he was smart enough and had a good enough sense of humor for me not to throw my drink on him and walk away.

Do you put out on the first date?


How does this sweater look on me?


When will you show your face on twitter?

Why would I go and ruin a good thing?

Cats, dogs, birds, or boys? Favorite pets?

Each creature has it's own personality and set of requirements. I'm in favor of critters that are both affectionate and self-sufficient. I'm also a fan of big fuzzy butts and animals that are dumber than I am.

What's your favorite sexual position?

You're really asking me to pick just one?

What do you plan to be when you finish all your schoolin'?

Like *I* know. Sheesh...

How big is your rack?

C cups... they're lovely. You will never see them.

Do you really masturbate that much?

I have the sex drive of a teenage boy. Draw your own conclusions.

Would you sleep with Derek? He adores you.

I'm not available.

You are very open and overt on Twitter. Why? My theory is that you're chasing attention in order to promote your writing (on your blog, which I really enjoy). Except I just noticed you've taken your blog link off your Twitter page. So never mind.

My twitter persona is a real part of my personality. My blog is another. I'm not one dimensional. If you want to know me better that's my blog's telos. I love when people read my blog and then discuss it with me. It's a way for me to grow. I'm not sure what you mean by "promote" but I'm not in it for anything but personal development and healthy venting.

What does "I am not available" mean? You said you're single.

The reasons why are personal and I won't discuss them here.

"I'll raise your standards" What does that mean?

It means after me you'll expect every girl you sleep with to punch you in the face if you cum before she does.

What is your heart's desire?

I'll answer that question if you can be more specific.

What makes you different? Just kidding! Just kidding!! Real question: Will you make me cupcakes for my birthday? :D

Yes. When, where, vanilla or chocolate?

Are you a frigid bitch?

Do you have frostbite on your dick?

What aspect of Firefly appeals the most to you?

Whedon is really creative and writes great stories and populates them with relatable characters. I find the series very relatable. I can identify with each character at some point in the series. I also dig action and adventure.

Do you do anal?

No one has ever asked. You'll have to take a look at my strap on so we can be sure it isn't too big for your poop chute. I wouldn't want t hurt your butthole.

Is your dildo your boyfriend?

That's not a bad idea.

What do I have to do to get you to follow me ;-)?

It varies on a case by case basis.

Whats your favorite style of music?

I prefer musak.

How many times have you fucked @aurora00?

Aurora00 and I don't "fuck". We make love.

Will you follow me if I promise to go down on you every day? And morning? And night?

That's a tempting offer. Did you submit an application? You know I don't have a face, right?

Do you like white boys?

As long as they're not polkadotty... freckles and moles are acceptable.

Mail me a pair of your used underwear?

Sure, I don't wear them anymore, my sparring parter stretches them out and leaves skidmarks in them.

How many times have you and Derek slept together?

Should I include anal in my tally?


I guess we never actually did any sleeping.

How do you keep your great sense of humor?

I'm flattered that you think it's great. I'm pretty sure it's a defense mechanism. It'll go away if I keep using the ointment.

Do the creepy sexual Formspring questions, and likely @s and DMs, ever get you down?

Not yet. At some point I'm sure one will bug me but until then I like the attention. Twitter is definitely a unique subset of the population which so far has brought me great pleasure.

When's the last time you had a really good sandwich?

Last night I made myself a grilled mozzarella with tomato on some flax, quinoa, rice, oat bread that I made in the bread machine my brother got me for Christmas BUT the last really good sandwich I had was before I found out I had celiac disease. It was a flying fish sandwich that I had in March 2004 in Barbados at a restaurant called the Treehouse.

Have you ever been a part of, or are you open to being part of, a threesome or more?

The only reason the flying fish sandwich in Barbados was better than the erm... other sandwich is because someone always gets left out.

What do you want for Christmas this year?

I'm an atheist and don't celebrate Christmas.

So if I were to give you a gift over the holidays you would refuse it?

I give my friends gifts all the time for all sorts of reasons. I wouldn't insult a friend for thinking of me. In fact, I might kiss you on the mouth. I have a rare Peruvian lip fungus. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

IF you are an atheist explain the fact that Jesus could walk on water... Do you think there was just a rock just beneath the water that he was stepping on. Cause i did that the other day and everyone was like holy fuck you must be the mesiah and I was like no no guys there's a rock I'm walking on.

Jesus' water walk is a fact? The day someone demonstrates to me that the bible is a reliable historical reference I'll paint my asscheeks blue, stick a daffodil between them and call it "Josephus resurgent". Wait... is "rock" really a euphemism for "third leg"?

Are you really a pedo, cuz u never show yer face?

I dislike children. They're better at getting attention than I am. Also, they never remember the safe word.

Given rock as a euphamism for third leg, and third leg meaning cock, do you like to suck on rocks?

Why would I suck on rocks when I can just give a dude a blowjob?

Two Parter: Which cities/countries you've been to outside of the US? Name 5 cities/countries where you would like to live. (<-Aware that's a statement, not a question. Don't be a dick.)

I can't believe you'd assert that I'd be a dick to anyone... ..... OK, joke's done. I'll give my top 5 places outside the USA: Dublin, Ireland; Kowloon, China; Cairns, Australia; Antigua, Guatemala; Murano, Italy; Rougemont, Switzerland. For cities I've never lived in: I'd love to spend a stint in Portland; Chicago; Vancouver; London; Dublin.

I've had two different girls pass out mid-orgasm. I've always wondered if it was an elaborate fake to boost my already colossal ego. Know anything about whether pass-out Os are a thing?

Quit bragging.

lies. lies. lies.


Are you a Conservative?

I assume you mean the coloquial sense of political view as I write. I'm fiscally conservative and socially liberal. Really, I could fairly call myself a Barry Goldwater republican. This is a long answer question. I'll leave it at that for the sake of the average attention span.

Can you take a picture of your ass that I can jerk off to? The bruise is a turn off.

There are starving children in Africa who would love to have a bruise like that.

What are your plans for the new year?

I'm chipping in to rent a house with some buddies. We're also renting a keg or 2 and at midnight I'll get to kiss someone special on the mouth with tongue. If you know who you are and want to remember the experience, you should let me know *before* I add rohypnol to your beer.

Are u kissing @aurora00 or @tracyvanhorne or @LisaCanDrive at midnight? Can I have them after ur done kissing?

Yes, yes, yes. No, definitely not. I have plans for those three incapacitated girls.

Who is your favorite author? Which work?

For literature, it's Shakespeare. Hands down. He's a god, totally ahead of his time, really got human nature, etc. Hamlet. It might not even be fair to compare him to the rest of the writing world. For non-fiction it's a tough call between Einstein's Relativity and Darwin's Origin of Species. Although both read like word problems, each was perfectly suited to teach us how science integrates into society. Both were tipping points for scientific revolutions are still indispensable.

Would you cheat on your boyfriend with @itsderekhuff ?


Does every one in Miami look like they do on CSI Miami? LOL

Miamian hookers don't have nearly the fashion sense that their CSI Miami counterparts do. Otherwise... yes. Totally.

What do you look for in a boyfriend?

All of the requisite organs for viability (spleen, second kidney/testicle, and appendix optional), a complete skeleton, including a mandible and a good sense of humor.

Are you a celebrity enjoying anonmnity(sic) online?

What gave me away? Was it the accent? Or was it the fact that there are no famous scientists in the United States of America except for Jim Watson or Craig Venter... who [sadly] are hardly celebrities.

I fucked your boyfriend.

Yeah, me too. Great, isn't he?

Now that Derek is dead will you post your boobs?

Shit. Did I miss the funeral? I was going to flash whomever delivers the eulogy.

You know a lot of big words for a girl. What's up with that? It kind of freaks me out

I'm just trying to compensate for my face.

There you go with the big words again. Anyways, is it true you're in love with El Beard?

El Beard did not return my affections. I'm now deeply in love with the Rapist 'Stache and his extended-cab truck.


Sure, first let me get my foot out of @itsDerekHuff 's ass.

you must love when a guy pulls his cock out of your pussy then tells you to swallow ,you just seem to me like you love to swallow cum (sic)

Isn't the internet great!

ur boy friend couldn't get it up

I would recommend building your vocabulary.

Which do you prefer, puppies or kittens?

ohai i <3 ALL baby animalz! kthxbai (Thank you for your submission)

do you like to swallow cum or not

I think you're looking for Lil' Kim's formspring. This is not Lil' Kim's formspring page.

Have you ever kicked a guy in the junk so hard that he cried?

Actually, yeah. My pastor's son when we were in 8th grade and my Brazilian jiu jitsu instructor a few months ago. Oh, and my older brother, but that does't count. Black belt nuts feel different than regular nuts, in case you were wondering.

How frequently do you get hit on (in any kind of serious way) by strangers?
I'm not really sure what you mean by "in any kind of serious way" but I'll assume you mean beyond whistling/cat-calls and honking. About once a week a guy will ask for my number. Once every other month or so a guy will give me his number. 2-3 times a week a dude will try to engage me in conversation.

how do you mean france, america and the pope are responsible for haiti?

If you're referring to my tweet yesterday (http://twitter.com/ElleWatts/status/7715486647) the incessant intervention by the US & France and the power vacuum created by puppet governments they installed in Haiti (not to mention the resentment this inspired) empowered the Duvalier presidency turned autocracy. This was legitimized internationally by papal emissaries (who also accepted vast sums of money that the Duvaliers had stolen from their already impoverished citizens).

I don't aspouse that France, the US, or the Vatican can create earthquakes but rather that raping the Haitian countryside resulted in the lack of infrastructure that reigned destruction in the wake of a natural disaster. I know it doesn't help the situation to assign blame but it seems we're unable to learn from history. Afghanistan, Iraq and countless other nations may follow similar paths.

You are an ignornt heffer.

... ... Yes, I am an ignorant heifer at times.

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Oh gosh I love ice cream. I dig coconut almond fudge chip and rocky road. I miss cookies and cream and chocolate chip cookie dough but can't eat them anymore since I developed a gluten allergy.

When was the last time you peed or pooped in your pants?

The last time I dropped in my drawers was about 25 years ago. I pee myself in crisis situations so that I can regroup more effectively.

If you were a condiment, what condiment would you be?


How dare you have an opinion on anything! You need to shut up and just be pretty!

Seriously though, when can we date?

I dare! I'm not available at the moment but if that changes, Twitter will be among the first to know... after me and what's-his-name.

Is there anyone you've met on Twitter that you honestly care for? Anyone that means a lot to you, even though you've never met other than 140 characters (or an email or something) at a time?

There are a handfull of rocking souls that I dig especially despite never having met them. There a lot more that routinely enrich my days. We only ever really know people's minds. The outside of people has a way of interfering sometimes. The anonymnity of the net can keep that from happening if we let it. Related: can you dishonestly care for someone?

Sure, you can be totally fake in how you act towards someone. Look at a lot of these internet assholes; @benmarvin @itsderekhuff @alcoholicman.

It is all fake. Don't you believe in the fakeness of Twitter/Social media?

I guess it's a semantic issue. For me the word "care" is redundant when placed with words like "honest". Logically it might follow that "dishonestly caring for someone" would be an internally inconsistent statement... like "living dead". Of course that never stopped Hollywood.

There's definitely a lot of pretending that goes on in the interweb. That's fine. It often says more about a person than their 'real' personality ever could.

Does your significant other read your formspring, blog, or follow your tweets?

I dunno. I'd have to ask.

So no defense of said people. That makes a valid point.

It doesn't need defending. People just want to be loved (of this I am sure). We do weird things to get love (and sometimes mistaking attention for love). I think people pretend to be something else because don't think who they really are is 'loveable'. Sometimes they're right, but usually they're not.

I love how people are hating on you with their questions. Do you think that there will one day be a unit of measurement, later necessitating a tool to indicate douchebagginess levels in folks submitting to your formspring/DM/mighty power? Subquestion: will you use said tool's powers for good or evil?

The questions people ask don't reflect on me, but how I respond does... As for a douchiess measure? I really hope so. It would be great if it was like the Pinnochio nose. Peer pressure works for most people.

I like to think I use all of my powers for good but I'm not perfect and can/do make mistakes. Some of them hurt people.

got room for two?

Two what? Where?

What opinion do you hold of superhero comics characters? Are they merely escapist,social commentary or an original American style mythology?

I think that almost all science fiction is satire. The analogy to mythology is a valid one because the mythologies of each culture seek to ironize their societies by comparrison. Plus, I really dig Dragon*Con because I get to dress up as Motoko Kusanagi.

why do you hate fat people?

I don't hate fat people. I hate feeling uncomfortable telling my overweight friends that I'm worried about them.

They're often not as healthy and as happy as they could be if they addressed the physical and/or emotional reasons behind their weight problems. I hate seeing them suffer at their own self defeating behavior.

Why won't you go out on a date with me?

I don't want to.

Why do my tweets make you wet, by the way?

It isn't your tweets, per se. You spit when you talk. It's sort of gross, brah.

I love you. - Derek

I lurve you too, brah. Just work on the spitting thing. Did you know that my FormSpring timestamps submissions? Yeah. It does.

is this some sort of game?


Is this some kind of bust?

Somebody already asked about my rack. See above.

What do you want for Valentine's Day? Can I give you my cock?

I'd rather you give me some expensive jewelry and some privacy so I can flush it down the toilet. By "it", I mean "your cock".

Which is your favorite color and why?

My favorite color is green. I wish I knew why. I'm particularly fond of peacock green/blue, kelly green and emerald green.

were you born with celiac disease? wats it like?

No. I developed it about four years ago. It's inconvenient but manageable.

Be my mistress.


Why not?


If you are trying to be Kusanagi, does that mean you can turn invisible once you go topless?

It's my face that people can't see, silly.

Does it frighten you that a few of your questioners are almost certainly violent rapists? Except that godlike El Beard, of course.

I'm surprised that so few appreciate the majesty of El Beard. Also, Ralph Monsterface Moustachio, otherwise known as Mister Moustachio is another fantastic facial follicular favorite. As for violent rapists... yes, this has been cause for concern. It keeps me motivated to secure my black belt in karate.

You've just unwittingly joined a clut. How deep does your devotion run and what recent trauma in your life inspired this drastic course of action?

What the hell is a "clut"?

Cult. Yep.

I would prefer that FormSpring submissions be phrased as questions even though I have responded to some statements. Complete sentences are appreciated.

Curb your tongue, wench. Just answer the question.

What did I just say? (rhetorical question and example of preferred FormSpring submission)

What's your shoe size? Stilettos, Wedges or Platforms?

I wear size 8.5 or 9 depending on the shoe. I prefer a sculpted heel, not necessarily stiletto. I have a special fondness for red patent leather.

FormSpring has no authority here. I'm running shit now.

Shit indeed.

Can you give an example of a satire in sci-fi?

There are so many good ones but I'll use Independence Day: it takes the threat of extermination by extra-terrestrials (plausibly a metaphor for God and armageddon... ironic in itself) for humans to stop fighting and cooperate using language (computer programming and Morse code) as our most powerful tool. Ironically, I visit holocaust on E. coli every time I do an experiment at the lab. Maybe someday they'll figure out a way to kill me... oh wait, they already can.

Can you give an example of a satire in sci-fi? Solaris, 1961.

Umm... I don't understand the question.

why dont u stop being a smarty pants and act like a regular girl?

You would do well to disabuse yourself of the tired old notion that on average, men are smarter than women.

Do smarty-pants come in multiple fabrics and colors?

So far as I know they come in a wide range of pastel colors but are constructed exclusively from those little disc shaped candies and their wrappers which doesn't seem smart to me at all.

why do u say women are smarter then men?

I never said that women are smarter than men.

Why you hating on hookers?

My favorite neighborhood hooker, Hennesey (probably not her real name) is really cool. She's sharper than a lot of people I've met in Miami. She and I have a running joke about how it's easy to make a woman look trashy and men are willing to pay lots of money for it. She really embodies how men allow themselves to be exploited so easily by women.

What's the one thing in life that could make you truly happy?

I can't say for sure but it's somewhere between self-actualization, hedonism and personal enrichment.

No comments:

Post a Comment